Its Not Your Fault

Its Not Your Fault
A perspective into the genius mind of Robin Williams

‘Its not your fault,’ a famous line in the film Good Will Hunting where a therapist finally makes a breakthrough with his young and troubled patient. The patient played by one of the writers of the film Matt Damon and the therapist was portrayed by comedian Robin Williams. I categorize him as comedian immediately because that was his main profession but despite his hilarious skills as a comedian he was also a brilliant dramatic actor. Why am I telling you this when everyone knows who this iconic man is? Yes you know this about him. However there were many things that the camera did not let us in on his life.

The cameras stop rolling and America’s favorite funny man goes home to his family to what seems like a normal life. No…he wasn’t normal therefore there was no real normal life for him. Yes he did have a wife and kids but with the creative and genius mind like his nothing is ever really normal. For years he suffered in silence withs severe depression which sadly led to his demise. The man who once insisted that everyone live every day to the fullest and to spend every moment happy when behind that infectious smile was pain. After his death just about all his fans realized that he was trying to warn us….make your life spectacular.

Again this is something that everyone knows…but there are many things that we don’t know. I could stay up all night writing about it if i could. At a very early age growing up with The Three Stooges I had a passion for comedic relief even though I never pursued comedy as a career. I became a filmmaker with a focus in comedy, mainly slapstick a more old fashioned form of comedic relief. As I got older and wrote comedy pieces myself I decided to make a documentary, which Im still working on called ‘Vaudeville: A Drama.’ Vaudeville and drama? I know right, it makes no sense. Being a huge fan of The Three Stooges I was shocked when I discovered that Moe, Larry, Curly, and Shemp may have been in comedy shorts for most of their career but off screen their lives were anything but funny. I then learned that many of my favorite actor/comedians had somewhat sad and troubled personal lives…Mel Brooks, Gene Wilder, Larry Storch, Ken Berry, Bob Crane, Leo Gorcey, Jackie Gleeson…the list goes on. I became fascinated with the fact that these people were able to be so funny while battling severe mental and physical challenges at home, (drinking, drugs, marital problems, affairs, miscarriages, stillborns, racism, porn addictions, family deaths, etc.)

Now Im able to understand a little more as to why Robin Williams truly excelled all the other.

Many fans were crushed when they learned that his early death was suicide. Myself like many others looked up to him as someone who was able to get through those bad times…so when he passed I thought that there was the possibility that I wouldn’t make it either. Then it became clear what he was trying to convey to us over the years…make your life spectacular,

I once hated him for doing what he did when he knew he had so many people who loved him. Now today though if I were to come face to face with him Id be able to look at him in the eye with complete understanding, relation, and sympathy in saying…….

‘Its not your fault.’anigif_enhanced-16874-1408070815-2_previewrobin-williamswhat-dreams-may-come-02

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Mother of Tara by Scarlett O’Hara

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               In my mind it was only yesterday when I went running through the fog calling for him to come back to me, as I had dreamt years before. He never did return though. Yes its true I did finally see him at our home as he packed his bags for his trip back to Charleston. Odd because we spoke and cried over many things yet I cant remember the actual words. Then I watched him dissapear into the fog once again. Everything is silent in my memory of that day seven years ago except for one sentence.

‘Take care of my son for me, as you did once before.’

Mel’s dying words repeat in my head every evening as the dusk blends with the nightfall. Now its time to go out to the porch to see where that boy is as its almost time for supper. There he is, Mels precious boy reading under the largest tree in all of Tara. Its always the same tree yet always a differeng book. Oh Mel how I wish you could see him today. There is so much of you in him. The easy smile, the hint of yellow in the iris of his right eye, and the heavenly heart. Its all you, Mel, its all you. At so many times throughout the day I long to trade places with you. I pray every night that youre loving my blue eyed girl as much as I wish I could love her.

My Bonnie…my sweet Bonnie, I never deserved her to begin with. So it seems only natural that she was taken from me much sooner than a mother and child should ever be parted. Yet Mel, you were perfect and you were also parted with your child. Strange to me still this day that you died and I lived. Yet you were good and I bad. I must stop thinking about who lived and who died, who is good, and who is bad. Ill think about that tomorrow for tomorrow is another day. Right now I must get this boy of hers inside before supper gets cold.

           The moment I step further onto the porch the evening breeze pulls apart my perfect bun into an imperfect mess.

‘Fidely dee.’

Its no matter for I have no one to impress upon at this hour.

No….

My heart stops as I squint my eyes at the tree at the top of the hill. Where is he? He was there only s moment ago. Panic runs through my body as I rush up the hill. I feel as if Im not getting there fast enough so I lift ny dress as high as I can so I can sprint if need be. Where could he have gone?!

Arriving to the top of the hill he emerges from behind the tree with a small kitten in his arms. Casually he meets me at the edge at the hill where the shadow of the tree ends.

‘Aunt Scarlett, Im so happy youve come. Look what Ive found. Isnt she sweet? She holds onto me as if I were her mother. Perhaps when father returns from his trip he will allow me to adopt her!’ He exclaims with joy.

The young kitten grasps on his strong fingers with love.

‘How she ever made it on her own up here at her size is baffling to me. Its appears that shes on her own. How sad.’

He cuddles her closer to his chest as he looks around for the rest of her family. As he continues to look in every direction except for my own Im hoping that he can pick up on my negative vibe. How dare he wander off out of my sight, he knows better. My right fist tightens in preparation to remind him to never let this happen again. This fist is supposed to swing at him but I force myself to keep my arm at my side.

‘The hour grows late and itll be too dark soon to go looking for her family Im afraid. Come now Aunt Scarlett lets enjoy supper with our new friend!’

There he goes walking down that hill, cradling that feline, acting as if he had done nothing wrong. I had a mind to straighten him out but I cant. For i remember every time I become angry with him I think of how Mel could easily become angered with my child in heaven. Mel, unlike myself, could never have a temper for her heart is made of gold and has no room for anything ugly in her soul. My Bonnie however is much like her mama and has a temper especially when she doesnt get her way. I didnt have her long enough on this green earth to teach her how to calm her temper. Thank the Lord that she didnt spend enough time with me to adopt any of my other ways of life as deceitful and selfish I can be. Even I can admit that.

‘Aunt Scarlett, make haste or Mami is going to start her holerin.’ He calls back just before he reaches the house.

That boy is not my son but quite unfortunately he already bares many of my traits. My anger dissolves but where I had clinches my nails into my first begins to bleed softly. My scarf had become unraveled on my way up this wretched hill. I turn around, rewrap my scarf over my chest, and begin the hike to the house.

‘Oh my…’

Standing here at this spot at the edge of the incline makes everything that once seemed hard, comfortably easy. In the sky above this house of mine, is where the dusk runs away and the starry night takes its place. I cant help but wonder whats in between the dusk and the starry night. Where the pink, purple, and orange end and the midnight blue begins …is that heaven? Is that where Ma and Pa are taking their long strolls? Is that where Mr. Kennedy is sipping his iced tea? Is that where the fallen soldiers sing their song of victory? Is that where dearest Melanie is summoning my blue eyed Bonnie for supper?

Empty questions for empty answers, empty sky for the empty night, and empty thoughts for the empty mind.