Murder on the Orient Express: The Fracture of a Soul

Sorry that I haven’t blogged in quite a while. I know it’s no excuse but 6 months ago I lost something very important to me and very close to me. She wasn’t old she was in great health one day she stopped eating less than two weeks later she was gone her liver had failed. Then night that she passed away I knew it was going to happen so her and I cuddled together on the floor because she wasn’t feeling well to get on the bed. We watched the 2015 version of Cinderella and directed by one of my favorite director is Kenneth Branagh. I seem to remember a line by Helena Bonham Carter who played the Fairy Godmother in it right before the perfect family was struck by tragedy…’ For sorrow can come to any Kingdom no matter how happy.’ The next morning I woke up a little bit after 6 a.m. panicked and sweating from the bad dream… I went to go give her a kiss and sure enough she had passed. I didn’t deal with it the way that I should have that day immediately I cleaned my room with everything that had reminded me of her gave away all of her stuff and sat her in her final resting place and then casually came into work. It’s not that it didn’t affect me it’s just that it had affected me so much that I had no choice but to continue everything like nothing had happened. However instead for the rest of the summer I misbehaved in every way because I was filling that void that she wasn’t there anymore. I paid the consequences for all the things that I did by the end of the summer closer to calmed down and accepted the grieving process 6 months later.

Why am I talking about this? Why am I talking about something of my personal life on a public blog about films and television shows mostly of the past? You see Turner Classic films have released Some Like It Hot back in June and I wanted to blog then but I wasn’t ready to. The blog was just simply going to be about how going to the cinema can relieve any kind of pain sometimes for the right person including grief. However at the time I still was not ready to admit that she was no longer there that I would come home and she would come running to me and that we wouldn’t cuddle together at night for in fact in my mind she was still there. All my life I had escaped to the cinema and then now I was escaping to forget that she wasn’t home waiting for me. As I said I wanted to blog about it but I didn’t I stopped myself.

Six months later it brings me to this today my mother and I went to the cinema to see a film that I had wanted to see for a while and so did she called Murder on the Orient Express. I have read the book as a kid twice however for some weird reason I couldn’t remember the ending and a lot of the other details. One of my favorite directors was not only starring in it but it also directed it, none other than Kenneth Branagh. Kenneth Banagh was the man that directed Cinderella which was the film that Pandora and I were watching when she passed away in the middle of the night. Since then I’ve watched that film every night, falling asleep to it because I can’t seem to let anything go. I especially can’t let go of that night and waking up to that film. Besides some of the sad factors I was looking forward to seeing this film because I’m also a fan of his work and did not even know that he had directed the film until quite a while after I had already seen it for the first time back when Pandora was healthy and well. Back to Murder on the Orient Express, the visuals the film was absolutely amazing the scenery, the edits, the jump Cuts edits, the acting, the score, and the overall feeling of the film was absolutely fantastic. Kenneth Branagh as the detective didn’t miss a Beat it’s almost as if the character from Agatha Christie’s book had in fact become a real live human being, it was incredible.

As the film went on I don’t mean to put out any spoilers but basically what appeared to be a simple murder on the train turned out to be a much bigger ordeal. It would appear that the man murdered was also the one responsible for the kidnapping and killing of the Armstrong child. Whomever killed this man knew who he really was and what crime he committed even though he had gotten away with it. After the Armstrong child was found dead when the mother got word she went into premature labor with her second child and died along with that child. Armstrong then took his own life for his family had all passed away within a few days of each other. Once the detective had figured this out he clearly stated ‘you never realize what the killing of one person could lead to and how it could in fact destroy the lives of so many others and what didn’t destroy them would slowly suffocate them for the rest of their lives because the grief was that deep.’

To my surprise also and one of Kenneth Branagh films, Cinderella, just like in that film there was one line that kept repeating itself ‘ for sorrow can come to any Kingdom. ‘ In this film there was one line I kept repeating itself and seem to be so much louder than the rest of the lines, ‘ the Deep poison of grief.’

In the film the detective says something along the lines of a killer having a fractured soul but he didn’t believe that he was amongst any killers on the train only people that had in fact experienced the Deep poison of grief.

It seems so odd to me the film that brought me Comfort when it shouldn’t have was Cinderella directed by Kenneth Branagh. That film brought so much comfort to me because her and I were watching it as we fell asleep. The family was so happy and everything was so perfect when tragedy struck. You never know what can happen. You can be 10 years old in perfect health like Pandora and then suddenly one day not eat , you get brought to the doctors and they tell you that your liver is failing. Then not even two weeks later pass away peacefully in your sleep in the arms of your mother to a film called Cinderella. 6 months of experiencing the Deep poison of grief your mother who was survived by you sees a film that is also directed by Kenneth Branagh called Murder on the Orient Express. Watching this film for her, something suddenly made sense when he explained how the death of one person could affect so many people so drastically and how the death of one person could affect the person they love the most so drastically. Killers have a fractured soul as the detective said. He was right about that. The Deep poison of grief as he also spoke of his very real to. I can’t bring her back, I’ve tried. However watching Cinderella the past 6 months at night has brought me Comfort. Seeing the film today has brought me Comfort. Its directors like Kenneth Branagh that heal people like me that makes being a filmmaker more than rewarding.

One day at a time.


Its Not Your Fault

Its Not Your Fault
A perspective into the genius mind of Robin Williams

‘Its not your fault,’ a famous line in the film Good Will Hunting where a therapist finally makes a breakthrough with his young and troubled patient. The patient played by one of the writers of the film Matt Damon and the therapist was portrayed by comedian Robin Williams. I categorize him as comedian immediately because that was his main profession but despite his hilarious skills as a comedian he was also a brilliant dramatic actor. Why am I telling you this when everyone knows who this iconic man is? Yes you know this about him. However there were many things that the camera did not let us in on his life.

The cameras stop rolling and America’s favorite funny man goes home to his family to what seems like a normal life. No…he wasn’t normal therefore there was no real normal life for him. Yes he did have a wife and kids but with the creative and genius mind like his nothing is ever really normal. For years he suffered in silence withs severe depression which sadly led to his demise. The man who once insisted that everyone live every day to the fullest and to spend every moment happy when behind that infectious smile was pain. After his death just about all his fans realized that he was trying to warn us….make your life spectacular.

Again this is something that everyone knows…but there are many things that we don’t know. I could stay up all night writing about it if i could. At a very early age growing up with The Three Stooges I had a passion for comedic relief even though I never pursued comedy as a career. I became a filmmaker with a focus in comedy, mainly slapstick a more old fashioned form of comedic relief. As I got older and wrote comedy pieces myself I decided to make a documentary, which Im still working on called ‘Vaudeville: A Drama.’ Vaudeville and drama? I know right, it makes no sense. Being a huge fan of The Three Stooges I was shocked when I discovered that Moe, Larry, Curly, and Shemp may have been in comedy shorts for most of their career but off screen their lives were anything but funny. I then learned that many of my favorite actor/comedians had somewhat sad and troubled personal lives…Mel Brooks, Gene Wilder, Larry Storch, Ken Berry, Bob Crane, Leo Gorcey, Jackie Gleeson…the list goes on. I became fascinated with the fact that these people were able to be so funny while battling severe mental and physical challenges at home, (drinking, drugs, marital problems, affairs, miscarriages, stillborns, racism, porn addictions, family deaths, etc.)

Now Im able to understand a little more as to why Robin Williams truly excelled all the other.

Many fans were crushed when they learned that his early death was suicide. Myself like many others looked up to him as someone who was able to get through those bad times…so when he passed I thought that there was the possibility that I wouldn’t make it either. Then it became clear what he was trying to convey to us over the years…make your life spectacular,

I once hated him for doing what he did when he knew he had so many people who loved him. Now today though if I were to come face to face with him Id be able to look at him in the eye with complete understanding, relation, and sympathy in saying…….

‘Its not your fault.’anigif_enhanced-16874-1408070815-2_previewrobin-williamswhat-dreams-may-come-02

What’s A Neverland Girl?

tumblr_myh1lzcOu41qbn2z7o1_500              The film Saving Mr. Banks was released this week and many Disney freak like me were waiting for it forever. I was waiting for it for other reasons besides loving Disney. I was waiting for another film that I could relate to (one hasn’t been released recently where I could relate to.)

I saw the film Mary Poppins in 1995 while I was in my playroom during a typical Florida summer thunderstorm. Even though my mother was in the next room working I was scared of the storm, a fear I still strangely have at 22. Completely captivated by the film I of course watched it many more times. All I could think about while watching this was about how I never wanted to grow old. From that day on, when I was 4, I would always have a fear of growing old. About a year later while visiting Disney World, which was a 3 hour drive from our house so we were Disney regulars, my mother put the film Peter Pan on before bed. Feeling the same excitement that I did a year previously from watching Mary Poppins I felt that same fear of growing old. I know how strange it must sound that I fear growing old while I was on the Walt Disney World Resort property.

When we arrived back home I told my mother my fear of growing old. I explained to her how it started. It took her about a minute to explain to me that it was not a fear of growing old I was feeling but it was a fear of growing up. She was right. Years later on my 14th birthday my parents asked me what I wanted for my birthday. They were joking because they knew that I wanted to visit Disney but I answered, ‘To never grow up.’ Two years later we moved to a town where our house is less than half a mile from Disney.

So now at 22 I feel old even though I know that Im not and will never be. Yes I drive a car, do laundry, clean the pool, workout, I went to college and have been working ever since . . . so yes I do all of those ‘adult’ things. Secretly though I know that Im not an adult. My soul is old and my heart is still four years old. I never want to grow up. That’s what a Neverland Girl is.

After The Dream Comes True

wd1062A wish is what your heart desires when you’re fast asleep.

Disney is what inspired me to become an actress when I was a child. Before my mind was poisoned with the complicated dramas of films that I saw Disney was a big part of my life. It still is.

You see as a young child my life was so perfect and over the years my life is still perfect. Because of this I’ve become obsessed with never growing old. We decided in 2005 that we all loved Disney so much that we would move from the Miami area to Orlando just so we can be closer to Disney. We have yet to regret this decision.

I also have Disney to thank for when I need a creative push. Since the resort was designed and built by a man who originally was a filmmaker and storyteller the whole experience is much like an exciting film. The Disney experience is a creative high even for the non-creative mind. I have many friends who halted all of their plans even college just to work at Disney. People have laughed at them and felt sorry for them but really its my friends who feel sorry the ones who think that they are wasting their life at Disney. In this colorful world they see every day it never gets old, its no wonder that they are so happy.

I’m 21, I’m a filmmaker, I’m a story teller, I’m an adventurer, I’m an old soul, I’m a survivor, I’m happy and Disney is one of my inspirations. Image