Its Not Your Fault

Its Not Your Fault
A perspective into the genius mind of Robin Williams

‘Its not your fault,’ a famous line in the film Good Will Hunting where a therapist finally makes a breakthrough with his young and troubled patient. The patient played by one of the writers of the film Matt Damon and the therapist was portrayed by comedian Robin Williams. I categorize him as comedian immediately because that was his main profession but despite his hilarious skills as a comedian he was also a brilliant dramatic actor. Why am I telling you this when everyone knows who this iconic man is? Yes you know this about him. However there were many things that the camera did not let us in on his life.

The cameras stop rolling and America’s favorite funny man goes home to his family to what seems like a normal life. No…he wasn’t normal therefore there was no real normal life for him. Yes he did have a wife and kids but with the creative and genius mind like his nothing is ever really normal. For years he suffered in silence withs severe depression which sadly led to his demise. The man who once insisted that everyone live every day to the fullest and to spend every moment happy when behind that infectious smile was pain. After his death just about all his fans realized that he was trying to warn us….make your life spectacular.

Again this is something that everyone knows…but there are many things that we don’t know. I could stay up all night writing about it if i could. At a very early age growing up with The Three Stooges I had a passion for comedic relief even though I never pursued comedy as a career. I became a filmmaker with a focus in comedy, mainly slapstick a more old fashioned form of comedic relief. As I got older and wrote comedy pieces myself I decided to make a documentary, which Im still working on called ‘Vaudeville: A Drama.’ Vaudeville and drama? I know right, it makes no sense. Being a huge fan of The Three Stooges I was shocked when I discovered that Moe, Larry, Curly, and Shemp may have been in comedy shorts for most of their career but off screen their lives were anything but funny. I then learned that many of my favorite actor/comedians had somewhat sad and troubled personal lives…Mel Brooks, Gene Wilder, Larry Storch, Ken Berry, Bob Crane, Leo Gorcey, Jackie Gleeson…the list goes on. I became fascinated with the fact that these people were able to be so funny while battling severe mental and physical challenges at home, (drinking, drugs, marital problems, affairs, miscarriages, stillborns, racism, porn addictions, family deaths, etc.)

Now Im able to understand a little more as to why Robin Williams truly excelled all the other.

Many fans were crushed when they learned that his early death was suicide. Myself like many others looked up to him as someone who was able to get through those bad times…so when he passed I thought that there was the possibility that I wouldn’t make it either. Then it became clear what he was trying to convey to us over the years…make your life spectacular,

I once hated him for doing what he did when he knew he had so many people who loved him. Now today though if I were to come face to face with him Id be able to look at him in the eye with complete understanding, relation, and sympathy in saying…….

‘Its not your fault.’anigif_enhanced-16874-1408070815-2_previewrobin-williamswhat-dreams-may-come-02

‘I dont want to be thin.’

Marilyn Monroe  was known for many things  in her time. Her acting  career  may have been successful but her real success  was off screen with her rare personality and memorable presence. At an early age she altered  her looks  and her name to further her career. Her more famous  transformation was coloring her hair from natural burnette to platinum blonde. I strongly  relate as the past few  years Ive lost weight and decided  to  throw my body into weight loss mode where I am constantly looking  to loose weight in some  way. My intention was to be presentable  (aka thin and perfect) when representing my film work. I wanted my career  to  have more opportunities by being beautiful. However  all year  my frustration  grows as the number  on the scale climbs yet my clothes sizes become smaller. As everyone  knows  I am a very old soul and one of the main television station I watch is Turner Classic Movies. One night my mom and I were watching ‘Gentlemen  Prefer Blondes.’ Many people  over the past  few years have told me that I strongly resemble Jane Russel yet it  was Marilyn Monroe I felt more drawn to for some odd reason. In the middle of the film I confessed  to my mom how I envied Monroe for her ability to keep her figure even though  she struggled with depression  (since I gained 16 pounds since  the diagnosis of my own depression  in September.) My mother looked at me alarmed. ‘Oh honey she didn’t  actually  struggle  at all. She  was very happy about her figure.’

I then did some research  into this starlet that I  swore i could never respect. What i learned about  her brought much comfort  to me. Much like myself  she struggled with addiction, chose the wrong men to enter her life, practiced multiple  forms of self infliction, and was at times perhaps to open about  her sexuality. At the time she didnt actually  differ much from Hollywood in terms of her body type. Many actresses  at the time were a size 6 to 12. Monoroe varied from a size 8 to 16. Yet she took pride in her imperfect body and even made it look fun to  carry around a few extra pounds. She may  have let her demons deform her soul but physically she continued to be beautiful.

This year became an emotional roller coaster since becoming so negatively obsessed with my weight. I have everything a girl could ever ask for. I am beyong blessed yet i let a dark cloud come over me and stay over me. The more i obsessed the more dark i became. My darkness was very similar to Monroes. I often wondered if she experienced  the same scenes that i did. Such as crying when she  stepped on the scale, relieving stress with the bad boys while i pushed the good men away, and looking in the  mirror asking myself. ….how did i ever let myself go this far? Discovering that she was still able to be beautiful without  being thin has brought much relief to me. I’m not saying that Im completely cured of my poisonous thoughts. …Im saying that coming to this realization has me thinking more clear. This is a step in the right direction.