Marilyn Monroe was known for many things in her time. Her acting career may have been successful but her real success was off screen with her rare personality and memorable presence. At an early age she altered her looks and her name to further her career. Her more famous transformation was coloring her hair from natural burnette to platinum blonde. I strongly relate as the past few years Ive lost weight and decided to throw my body into weight loss mode where I am constantly looking to loose weight in some way. My intention was to be presentable (aka thin and perfect) when representing my film work. I wanted my career to have more opportunities by being beautiful. However all year my frustration grows as the number on the scale climbs yet my clothes sizes become smaller. As everyone knows I am a very old soul and one of the main television station I watch is Turner Classic Movies. One night my mom and I were watching ‘Gentlemen Prefer Blondes.’ Many people over the past few years have told me that I strongly resemble Jane Russel yet it was Marilyn Monroe I felt more drawn to for some odd reason. In the middle of the film I confessed to my mom how I envied Monroe for her ability to keep her figure even though she struggled with depression (since I gained 16 pounds since the diagnosis of my own depression in September.) My mother looked at me alarmed. ‘Oh honey she didn’t actually struggle at all. She was very happy about her figure.’
I then did some research into this starlet that I swore i could never respect. What i learned about her brought much comfort to me. Much like myself she struggled with addiction, chose the wrong men to enter her life, practiced multiple forms of self infliction, and was at times perhaps to open about her sexuality. At the time she didnt actually differ much from Hollywood in terms of her body type. Many actresses at the time were a size 6 to 12. Monoroe varied from a size 8 to 16. Yet she took pride in her imperfect body and even made it look fun to carry around a few extra pounds. She may have let her demons deform her soul but physically she continued to be beautiful.
This year became an emotional roller coaster since becoming so negatively obsessed with my weight. I have everything a girl could ever ask for. I am beyong blessed yet i let a dark cloud come over me and stay over me. The more i obsessed the more dark i became. My darkness was very similar to Monroes. I often wondered if she experienced the same scenes that i did. Such as crying when she stepped on the scale, relieving stress with the bad boys while i pushed the good men away, and looking in the mirror asking myself. ….how did i ever let myself go this far? Discovering that she was still able to be beautiful without being thin has brought much relief to me. I’m not saying that Im completely cured of my poisonous thoughts. …Im saying that coming to this realization has me thinking more clear. This is a step in the right direction.