‘I dont want to be thin.’

Marilyn Monroe  was known for many things  in her time. Her acting  career  may have been successful but her real success  was off screen with her rare personality and memorable presence. At an early age she altered  her looks  and her name to further her career. Her more famous  transformation was coloring her hair from natural burnette to platinum blonde. I strongly  relate as the past few  years Ive lost weight and decided  to  throw my body into weight loss mode where I am constantly looking  to loose weight in some  way. My intention was to be presentable  (aka thin and perfect) when representing my film work. I wanted my career  to  have more opportunities by being beautiful. However  all year  my frustration  grows as the number  on the scale climbs yet my clothes sizes become smaller. As everyone  knows  I am a very old soul and one of the main television station I watch is Turner Classic Movies. One night my mom and I were watching ‘Gentlemen  Prefer Blondes.’ Many people  over the past  few years have told me that I strongly resemble Jane Russel yet it  was Marilyn Monroe I felt more drawn to for some odd reason. In the middle of the film I confessed  to my mom how I envied Monroe for her ability to keep her figure even though  she struggled with depression  (since I gained 16 pounds since  the diagnosis of my own depression  in September.) My mother looked at me alarmed. ‘Oh honey she didn’t  actually  struggle  at all. She  was very happy about her figure.’

I then did some research  into this starlet that I  swore i could never respect. What i learned about  her brought much comfort  to me. Much like myself  she struggled with addiction, chose the wrong men to enter her life, practiced multiple  forms of self infliction, and was at times perhaps to open about  her sexuality. At the time she didnt actually  differ much from Hollywood in terms of her body type. Many actresses  at the time were a size 6 to 12. Monoroe varied from a size 8 to 16. Yet she took pride in her imperfect body and even made it look fun to  carry around a few extra pounds. She may  have let her demons deform her soul but physically she continued to be beautiful.

This year became an emotional roller coaster since becoming so negatively obsessed with my weight. I have everything a girl could ever ask for. I am beyong blessed yet i let a dark cloud come over me and stay over me. The more i obsessed the more dark i became. My darkness was very similar to Monroes. I often wondered if she experienced  the same scenes that i did. Such as crying when she  stepped on the scale, relieving stress with the bad boys while i pushed the good men away, and looking in the  mirror asking myself. ….how did i ever let myself go this far? Discovering that she was still able to be beautiful without  being thin has brought much relief to me. I’m not saying that Im completely cured of my poisonous thoughts. …Im saying that coming to this realization has me thinking more clear. This is a step in the right direction.


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